Yesterday is but today's memory,
and tomorrow is today's dream.
~Kahlil Gibran
{Excerpts from journal}
4/3/09
What a perfect quote. Working today on putting the past behind me, and forging a new future. Kylin will be meeting Tony today...we are all very excited and nervous. A day I have imagined for so long....
4/10/09
A week ago today we had a joyous reunion--Kylin met her biological father, Tony, for the first time.
I met Tony in the fall of 2000, when I was living in Washington DC doing an internship at Gallaudet University. I had moved across the country alone and was completely culture-shocked by my immersion into this "Deaf Land." Being an interpreter on campus afforded a rare opportunity not to interpret for deaf people so that they could have access to hearing communications, but for hearing people--so that they could have access to deaf communications. It was powerful and overwhelming, exciting and scary. I needed a guide...an interpreter, myself.
Tony was a staff interpreter on campus, friends with everyone who knew him, and a lot of fun to be around. We dated for a few months and I conceived Kylin the night before I flew back to Portland for winter break. Once home I was able to get a little distance and perspective on many things in my life, namely the unhealthy patterns of our relationship. About a week after I arrived home, I let Tony know that I didn't want to continue our relationship... 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant.
Although I was overjoyed--to be a mom was something I had always wanted--I was definitely aware of the challenges that my child would or could face. Growing up in a home with faces and personality traits that reflected my own, I was acutely attuned to the fact that I would not be able to relate to the experience of a child who did not have both of her parents in her daily life--let alone in the same state. My only wish was to possess the empathy and openness to support my child on her journey. This was the first of many powerful reminders that my children have their own paths and own journeys ahead of them. This is not meant as an excuse for any imperfect decision-making on my part, but as an example of one important lesson for me as a mother: that although my children come from my body, their lives are not in my control nor subject to my will--they are autonomous beings with their own journeys to fulfill.
I did tell Tony right away that I was pregnant, but because of the issues between us, and what I can only imagine as the fear and helplessness of a man who's seed takes on life inside the body of another person--outside of his control--we were not able to have a healthy or positive relationship during those first few years.
I knew immediately upon finding out that I was pregnant that I could not return to Washington DC. I could not imagine leaving the support of my family and friends to return to an unfamiliar city, on the opposite side of the country, and a low-paying internship. I knew I needed to provide myself the best possible environment so that I could be set up to do the best job possible in raising my daughter...I had to secure my own oxygen mask before I could help her.
To our benefit, I met a guy in need of some direction, with a lot of love to give. Jamie was there through my pregnancy, and we stayed together until Kylin was 2 years old. He and I were not meant to be together forever--but I do deeply believe we came into each other's lives for a reason, and I am so thankful that Kylin has had the consistency and unconditional love that Jamie has provided and continues to provide--especially because it has always been a choice and never an obligation.
Even though she had a dad in her life, Tony and his older son, Jevin, were never a secret to Kylin. I held an image in my head of sitting down with my 12 year old daughter to tell her that the man she knew as her daddy was not her biological father--that the vision she had constructed of herself and where she came from was built on incomplete truths. I vowed to myself to always be honest--to trust that truth was always the right thing to choose, even when it was the most difficult. During my pregnancy I purged every bit of information I could recall about Tony's life and family, gathered all of the photos I had, and created a scrapbook for Kylin. I knew that someday she would be curious about where she came from and I didn't want to lose a single detail that might help to belay that mystery for her, even just a tiny bit.
She has always made it clear how much information she was in need of...Even before she really understood what a "biological father" was, Kylin found a place for Tony in her life. When she was little she enjoyed seeing a friendly brown face like her own--and every friendly brown male face was "Tony." :) As she got older, we talked about who "made" her, as opposed to who was there when she was born or who had raised her. She grew up with a sense that there were many hands and hearts involved in her creation and care--and hopefully with the knowledge that she was blessed with an abundance of love.
When Rich and I got married, Kylin was an integral part of our ceremony--Rich made special vows to her and we gave her a locket as a symbol of the commitment we were making as a family. When she was 6, we finalized that commitment when Rich legally adopted her.
Over the years, Tony and I maintained contact, but it was always strained and difficult for us both. I know that his heart hurt, thinking of the little girl's life he wanted so badly to be a part of, and that he thought of her every day...but we could just never seem to find common ground on which to stand in order to move forward. This chasm began to recede last summer, when Tony found my blog (which I certainly know is public). He read stories about Kylin and our family, viewed pictures, and read comments from people who know us...he got a glimpse into what our life was like and what kind of care Kylin was getting, and it calmed his fears about what kind of mother I would be and what kind of life I would provide for Kylin. We were able to begin re-building a bridge for our daughter to cross when she chose to take that step.
In the last few months Kylin's questions have changed to requests: to meet Tony, to call him, or to chat with him on our video phone. She has seen pictures of her older brother, Jevin, and pictures and video of her younger sister, Elena, but lately she has wanted to know more about them all.
On April 2nd all of our paths and experiences converged when I attended an interpreting conference in Seattle that Tony happened to be interpreting at. We did not anticipate seeing each other, and graciously Tony recognized my anxiety and approached me to ask if I would like to talk. We were able to sit down together, without defenses or blame or fear between us, and discuss our past and begin constructing our future. I was in shock from this wonderful gift from the universe, and called Rich to ask if he could drive the kids the 3 hours to Seattle so that Kylin and Tony could meet...Rich happily said, "of course!"
Friday turned out to be a long day for all of us. I was scheduled in workshops from 8 am-6 pm, so Rich planned to leave Portland at about 2:30 in order for them to arrive when I would be free. He sent me this email at 2:20:
At about 7:30 pm they finally pulled into the Marriott parking lot, and Tony and I walked out to greet them. There was excitement all around--Kylin was beside herself with the prospect of meeting Tony, Tony, with the prospect of meeting Kylin, the boys were missing me and my engorged "milks" and Rich and I were excited for all of it.
The 6 of us made our way through the hotel, stopping to explain our relationships and big grins to the friends we passed along the way. We finally arrived in Tony's hotel room and he made a video call to his fiancee, Jenn, in Florida so that Kylin could meet her and their daughter, Elena--Kylin's little sister. It was a fun & happy meeting--with singing & games of peek-a-boo. Tony gave Kylin the special gifts he had bought for her earlier that day--a stuffed cow that was made with 3 wishes inside: one for each of his kids, a bracelet with an engraved heart charm that said "To Kylin, Thinking of you always, Love, Daddy Tony," a book full of photos of Tony, Elena, Jenn, & Jevin, and sea shells and money that Tony had brought back from his recent trip to Costa Rica.
We went downstairs to the hotel restaurant to eat dinner, where we were thankfully one of only a couple of tables, with kids who had been confined to their carseats for the last couple of hours. Rich and I chased and entertained the boys while Kylin and Tony talked, played games, and got to know each other. This intense and monumental event was playing out so effortlessly and naturally right before our eyes!
Tony was a staff interpreter on campus, friends with everyone who knew him, and a lot of fun to be around. We dated for a few months and I conceived Kylin the night before I flew back to Portland for winter break. Once home I was able to get a little distance and perspective on many things in my life, namely the unhealthy patterns of our relationship. About a week after I arrived home, I let Tony know that I didn't want to continue our relationship... 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant.
Although I was overjoyed--to be a mom was something I had always wanted--I was definitely aware of the challenges that my child would or could face. Growing up in a home with faces and personality traits that reflected my own, I was acutely attuned to the fact that I would not be able to relate to the experience of a child who did not have both of her parents in her daily life--let alone in the same state. My only wish was to possess the empathy and openness to support my child on her journey. This was the first of many powerful reminders that my children have their own paths and own journeys ahead of them. This is not meant as an excuse for any imperfect decision-making on my part, but as an example of one important lesson for me as a mother: that although my children come from my body, their lives are not in my control nor subject to my will--they are autonomous beings with their own journeys to fulfill.
I did tell Tony right away that I was pregnant, but because of the issues between us, and what I can only imagine as the fear and helplessness of a man who's seed takes on life inside the body of another person--outside of his control--we were not able to have a healthy or positive relationship during those first few years.
I knew immediately upon finding out that I was pregnant that I could not return to Washington DC. I could not imagine leaving the support of my family and friends to return to an unfamiliar city, on the opposite side of the country, and a low-paying internship. I knew I needed to provide myself the best possible environment so that I could be set up to do the best job possible in raising my daughter...I had to secure my own oxygen mask before I could help her.
To our benefit, I met a guy in need of some direction, with a lot of love to give. Jamie was there through my pregnancy, and we stayed together until Kylin was 2 years old. He and I were not meant to be together forever--but I do deeply believe we came into each other's lives for a reason, and I am so thankful that Kylin has had the consistency and unconditional love that Jamie has provided and continues to provide--especially because it has always been a choice and never an obligation.
Even though she had a dad in her life, Tony and his older son, Jevin, were never a secret to Kylin. I held an image in my head of sitting down with my 12 year old daughter to tell her that the man she knew as her daddy was not her biological father--that the vision she had constructed of herself and where she came from was built on incomplete truths. I vowed to myself to always be honest--to trust that truth was always the right thing to choose, even when it was the most difficult. During my pregnancy I purged every bit of information I could recall about Tony's life and family, gathered all of the photos I had, and created a scrapbook for Kylin. I knew that someday she would be curious about where she came from and I didn't want to lose a single detail that might help to belay that mystery for her, even just a tiny bit.
She has always made it clear how much information she was in need of...Even before she really understood what a "biological father" was, Kylin found a place for Tony in her life. When she was little she enjoyed seeing a friendly brown face like her own--and every friendly brown male face was "Tony." :) As she got older, we talked about who "made" her, as opposed to who was there when she was born or who had raised her. She grew up with a sense that there were many hands and hearts involved in her creation and care--and hopefully with the knowledge that she was blessed with an abundance of love.
When Rich and I got married, Kylin was an integral part of our ceremony--Rich made special vows to her and we gave her a locket as a symbol of the commitment we were making as a family. When she was 6, we finalized that commitment when Rich legally adopted her.
Over the years, Tony and I maintained contact, but it was always strained and difficult for us both. I know that his heart hurt, thinking of the little girl's life he wanted so badly to be a part of, and that he thought of her every day...but we could just never seem to find common ground on which to stand in order to move forward. This chasm began to recede last summer, when Tony found my blog (which I certainly know is public). He read stories about Kylin and our family, viewed pictures, and read comments from people who know us...he got a glimpse into what our life was like and what kind of care Kylin was getting, and it calmed his fears about what kind of mother I would be and what kind of life I would provide for Kylin. We were able to begin re-building a bridge for our daughter to cross when she chose to take that step.
In the last few months Kylin's questions have changed to requests: to meet Tony, to call him, or to chat with him on our video phone. She has seen pictures of her older brother, Jevin, and pictures and video of her younger sister, Elena, but lately she has wanted to know more about them all.
On April 2nd all of our paths and experiences converged when I attended an interpreting conference in Seattle that Tony happened to be interpreting at. We did not anticipate seeing each other, and graciously Tony recognized my anxiety and approached me to ask if I would like to talk. We were able to sit down together, without defenses or blame or fear between us, and discuss our past and begin constructing our future. I was in shock from this wonderful gift from the universe, and called Rich to ask if he could drive the kids the 3 hours to Seattle so that Kylin and Tony could meet...Rich happily said, "of course!"
Friday turned out to be a long day for all of us. I was scheduled in workshops from 8 am-6 pm, so Rich planned to leave Portland at about 2:30 in order for them to arrive when I would be free. He sent me this email at 2:20:
We may be a little late. We r in the ER. Nothing to worry about. Will fill u in when we see you. Will text you when we get on the road.'ER?!'...'Nothing to worry about?!'... Difficult words for a mother to accept, especially one who's several hours away. I spent the next 20 minutes envisioning every possible scenario, until thankfully Rich called to explain what actually happened: the boys were playing and chasing each other, Kaden pushed Kiran and his eyebrow hit the hard corner of the couch, splitting it open in 3 directions and obviously requiring stitches. It kills me that I was not there to comfort Kiran during this painful and scary experience, but I am SO thankful that Rich has the first aid training and experience that he has because he was able to care for Kiran and be calm and confident for him in a way I could not have been.
At about 7:30 pm they finally pulled into the Marriott parking lot, and Tony and I walked out to greet them. There was excitement all around--Kylin was beside herself with the prospect of meeting Tony, Tony, with the prospect of meeting Kylin, the boys were missing me and my engorged "milks" and Rich and I were excited for all of it.
The 6 of us made our way through the hotel, stopping to explain our relationships and big grins to the friends we passed along the way. We finally arrived in Tony's hotel room and he made a video call to his fiancee, Jenn, in Florida so that Kylin could meet her and their daughter, Elena--Kylin's little sister. It was a fun & happy meeting--with singing & games of peek-a-boo. Tony gave Kylin the special gifts he had bought for her earlier that day--a stuffed cow that was made with 3 wishes inside: one for each of his kids, a bracelet with an engraved heart charm that said "To Kylin, Thinking of you always, Love, Daddy Tony," a book full of photos of Tony, Elena, Jenn, & Jevin, and sea shells and money that Tony had brought back from his recent trip to Costa Rica.We went downstairs to the hotel restaurant to eat dinner, where we were thankfully one of only a couple of tables, with kids who had been confined to their carseats for the last couple of hours. Rich and I chased and entertained the boys while Kylin and Tony talked, played games, and got to know each other. This intense and monumental event was playing out so effortlessly and naturally right before our eyes!
After such a wonderful evening together, Rich took the boys back to Portland, and Kylin stayed with me so that she could make the most of Tony's short stay on the west coast. While I attended workshops all day on Saturday, Tony & Kylin spent the day together: chatting with Jevin and Elena, swimming, visiting Pikes Place market with friends, and hanging out in Keith and Emilia's RV. That evening it came time for Tony to work, voice interpreting for Keith's comedy show, and Kylin got to attend the show with a front row seat right next to her daddy.
That night was bittersweet, as we reveled in the wonderful weekend and Kylin & Daddy Tony said their good-bye's...not knowing when they would see each other again. Tony flew all day Sunday, back to his home in Florida, and Kylin and I drove back to ours, in Portland.Monday morning I got a call from Tony, telling me that he had just gotten off the phone with his mom and that he had a far-fetched idea that he just wanted to throw out there. He and Jenn would be getting married the next week and all of his family would be with him for his wedding, and he would really love to have Kylin there as well. He had already checked ticket prices, and they were affordable...could she come? Rich & I spent the day analyzing every possible scenario: our whole family flying out=too expensive and too difficult to cancel work with such short notice, send her alone=not yet, I fly Kylin out for the fun & weekend festivities and then leave her to fly back as an unaccompanied minor (which kids do all the time) after the wedding=not yet, Kylin & I go and bring Kiran with us=that would increase the cost of our trip quite a bit & still leave Rich childcare issues.....It seemed the only viable option was for me to accompany her myself, secure childcare for Rich during the time that he needed to work, and hope that the boys would do fine without me for almost a week. Thanks to Rich, Haley, Leah, Sheila, Mom, Camille, and Aunt Debbie--here we are...flying to Orlando. :)
My hope for this trip is that Kylin can make some wonderful, lasting memories with this part of her family, and that this will be a second wonderful stepping stone into the future of our evolving family relationship.
